Thinking out loud

It's so difficult at times to live in a country where no one cares about anything but themselves. I am one of those people so much of the time. Its like being at an upscale party where everyone gorges themselves on food and wine, pretends to know the host, and talks about how benevolent they are. But its worse than that with the Christians. We talk about how people compare their morality to one another and will be judged according to Christ, but we are the same way. We judge one another and think ourselves to escape judgment. We compare our Christianity to other versions and lift ourselves up against the less advanced, so that we have something to fill the hole that we wish the love of Christ would fill.
I have claimed the name of Christ for 8 years now but for the majority of it have been very very slightly different than the rest of the world. I hang out with Christians. I understand high level doctrine. I can counsel and have wisdom (a small amount, as it turns out). I read and pray for 15 - 30 minutes per day (this one really makes me better than other supposed Christians). I have shared the gospel a few times and handed out 40 tracts or so. And as I look out at the masses I don't have compassion and view them as sheep without a shepherd. I see them as notches on a ruler against which to judge myself as good or bad.
And yet when I look at the word of God and am serious, or when I'm on my bed at night and God brings to mind better things... I think about the life of the early church and the apostles. I long for rivers of living water to flow from Jesus, through me, to others. I long for true intimacy with Christ, the love of God that makes obedience like breathing. I want my heart to beat for Jesus and call him Lord and mean it. I want his desires to be my desires. I want to pray and believe they will be answered, then see them answered. I want to read and have the words jump off the page. I want to suffer with Jesus, putting my flesh willingly on the alter to love those he loves, so that I can also live the resurrected life he has given me.
By the grace of God some of this has begun to change. People I despised I suddenly long to have them know the Lord. Entertainment that I clung to for rest and joy now seems like a thief trying to steal those very things. My every free moment it seems I just want to be alone with God in prayer and his word, and let that flow into my relationships with believers and the gospel. I love the life he has given me, finally, and I would beg him to never let me walk away... but he is the one who has promised never to leave me nor forsake me, as well as to be faithful to me when I'm faithless. He is able to draw my heart to himself, as I am firmly in the palm of his hand. He has brought me this far and I will recoil in fear and sin again and again, but his grace has brought me this far, and his grace will guide me home.
Truly obedience can't be coerced by any man or sermon. I should try only to coerce a person to know the love of Jesus and that his call to obedience is that of the call of a lover to stay a while.
I feel like speaking this way isn't permissible any longer in our advanced society. Weeping while worshiping, praying on your knees, singing the love of he who first loved us, and following him with everything you have; it seems to get the reaction of David's wife as he danced before the Lord. I would rather be naked and fruitful than sophisticated and barren. Help me Lord to not care what people think, because like everyone else, its my default setting.